Italian Wars Campaign Wordplay

[w_michael]

I created this topic so that the game play is not lost in the word play. Have at it.

[awesum4]

King Andria Doria has expressed his dismay at the creation of the League of Lombardy saying it goes against all the Italy has stood for many generations. Italy has been built on a foundation of tolerance of inclusiveness with the City States all importing and using people as well as resources from all over the known world. The Roman Empire exploited its neighbours and modern Italy must do the same if it is to grow and dominate. Roman Emporers from Hadrian onwards were often "foreign imports". The league must be opposed strenuously and any states considering joining should be very careful before signing up.

Meanwhile in the delightful town of Crispano it has been announced that a new venture has been launched to take advantage of a local surplus. Pietro Hombre de Pollo has open a flame-grilled chicken restaurant. With a range of pastas and salads available to suit all tastes it is the variety of chicken available that really tickles the tastebuds. There are 7 different flavours of chicken, from Lightly-smoked through Cardinally Singed to the aptly named Diabolically Crisped. There is a flavor to suit the most catholic tastes. The restaurant was officially opened by the Grand Inquisitor Don Quemar del Todo del Mundo, who said it was an shining example of how the Inquisiton was improving the lives of ordinary Italians, as long as they toed the line and refused to have congress with Diabolical forces.

[TheGrayMouser]

King Andria Doria has expressed his dismay at the creation of the League of Lombardy saying it goes against all the Italy has stood for many generations. Italy has been built on a foundation of tolerance of inclusiveness with the City States all importing and using people as well as resources from all over the known world. The Roman Empire exploited its neighbours and modern Italy must do the same if it is to grow and dominate. Roman Emporers from Hadrian onwards were often "foreign imports". The league must be opposed strenuously and any states considering joining should be very careful before signing up.

Meanwhile in the delightful town of Crispano it has been announced that a new venture has been launched to take advantage of a local surplus. Pietro Hombre de Pollo has open a flame-grilled chicken restaurant. With a range of pastas and salads available to suit all tastes it is the variety of chicken available that really tickles the tastebuds. There are 7 different flavours of chicken, from Lightly-smoked through Cardinally Singed to the aptly named Diabolically Crisped. There is a flavor to suit the most catholic tastes. The restaurant was officially opened by the Grand Inquisitor Don Quemar del Todo del Mundo, who said it was an shining example of how the Inquisiton was improving the lives of ordinary Italians, as long as they toed the line and refused to have congress with Diabolical forces.

Yes, yes, easy to say for an expeditionary army fresh of the conquest boat. It seems the Italians are going the ways of the greeks, each worried about his own barnyard and forgetting about the neighborhood and instead trusting smiling inquisiters with buckets of chicken. Make sure to save some chicken for the Sublime Kiwi when he arrives...

[GDod]

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From an article published in The Weekly Pisean Phamphet
Chicken breeders from France and Rome are shocked by the announcement of the League of Lombardy that puts aside the historical League of Cognac, which was previously negotiated by the rightful Francesco Sforza, Duke of Milan with France, Pope Clement VII, the Republic of Venice, the Duchy of Milan and Republic of Florence.
When the Grand Inquisitor Don Quemar del Todo del Mundo was asked whether Milan would continue to allow flame-grilled chicken restaurants to remain open in central Italian states and be extended to willing franchise holders in Milan, he replied, "Un minuto ci è concesso che il duca cambi di nuovo idea...chi sa che il duca è pazzo!"
Reports are now filtering through that riots by Chicken breeders within these states are increasing daily due to uncertainty over their current export contracts and concerns over proposed "League Road Tax" on chicken's crossing the roads of central Italy, which will all go exclusively towards the Milanese war chest.

Is this the peace and prosperity promised? This pamphleteer thinks not.

il duca Falaguerra,

[ahuyton]

His Holiness, Alexander VI, has instructed me to express his profound shock at news of war in Northern Italy. He implores our brothers to look to the East and the ravaging Turk as the target of their ambitions.

Greetings from Cesare

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[GDod]

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His Holiness, Alexander VI, has instructed me to express his profound shock at news of war in Northern Italy. He implores our brothers to look to the East and the ravaging Turk as the target of their ambitions.

We advise our beloved Borgia Pope [ and his many mistresses and children] that the The Weekly Pisean Woodcut Plamphet office has been burnt to the ground, and il duca Falaguerra and his heretical seer have been referred to Inquisition for their diabolical predictions of future events

[Pixel]

The Priors and the Gonfaloniere of Florence proclaim a guarantee in favor of the independence of Sienna for the Spring of 1499.

[GDod]

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Greeting Pandolfo 'Chromey' Petrucci of the Italian Republic of Siena.

Your rise to power has impressed his imperial Majesty and we congratulate you on the successful conclusion of your negotiations with the Priors and the Gonfaloniere of Florence. This most Christian Prince takes this opportunity to also congratulate the Republic of Florence for their enlightened dealings in the establishment of a calm and reasoned approach to the renaissance of fast food restaurants and increased opportunities for outlets and purveyors of flame-grilled Chicken.

We found this article in the recent burnt out ruins of the Weekly Pisean Woodcut Phamphlet office and forward it to you for your memoirs prior to your heavenly departure... however soon that may be!
Let the bells of Torre del Mangia ring for a month!

His Holiness, Alexander VI will be thrilled and overjoyed to hear that Florence and Siena have laid the foundations for mutual benevolence between their Republics. Now Florence can look elsewhere for their ambitions and rest peacefully at night knowing they will not threatened by the devastation of Sienese arms scaring the vistas of fine Florentine wheat fields waving in the light summer breeze.
At the same time, this corespondent imagines Rome cannot possibly still hold a grudge against Siena. Just because it was founded by the two sons of Remus [having fled Rome after their father's murder by Romulus] does not mean the are they have the right to be called the true inheritors of Romes illustrious legacy. Surely, just because Siena still holds the revered statue of the Capitoline Wolf within the city does not mean Rome will attempt to retrieve it, and hence it's honour?

il duca Falaguerra

[TheGrayMouser]

Is a two pronged invasion not enough evidence of the threat the colluding northern kings pose to fair Italia?!

[awesum4]

The horrific invasion of the small, peaceful, neutral state of Tivoli was an act of gross treachery said King Andrea Doria of Naples. Our family holiday home on the seaside was burnt by marauding northern mercenaries hired by the so called Pope Alexander the 6th. The shocking reports we hear from the area, one of the most beautiful in Italy, have made us firmly resolved to punish the evil doers to the full extent of our ability. Our armies and fleets are even now rushing to the aid of the people of the region. Just last week the so called Pope was condemning the possibility of war, this week he is unleashing the 4 Riders of the Apocalypse.


Nuns Violated in Attack on Convent

The Abbess of the Convent of the Blessed Bleeding Heart of St Gertrude, Sister Immaculatea Conceptione, has reported that Swiss Mercenaries of the Papal guard had ravished her nuns in the most unnatural ways for more than 3 days after the Papal army conquered Tivoli this week. While the nuns expect to get naturally rvished by visiting clergy and the local aristocracy (its part of our vows of service to the community) these acts were beyond anything she had seen in her 30 years as a nun. I've been ravished by Papal Emissaries, a cousin of the King of Spain, and a bastard son of the Emporer (he was tall, blond and had the most amazing stamina) but those were understandable and natural acts. These were acts I can only describe as "unnatural" said Sister Immaculatea, the things those Swiss Guards did with their holey cheese were indescribably naughty.

[GDod]

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Is a two pronged invasion not enough evidence of the threat the colluding northern kings pose to fair Italia?!

You are mistaken dear Duke...we heard of a concert in the fair town of Broletto, beside Lake Como and in the spirit of Renaissance fervor wished to pay our respects at the birthplace of Pliny the Elder and the Younger, and Castello Baradello constructed by our most revered Barbarossa in 1158.
However, your wanton hostile advance into our sovereign territory and shameless bribery of the vast numbers of peaceful attendees and their "camp followers" to join your warmongering army with free imported Flame-grilled chicken has disappointed his Imperial Majesty . Furthermore, now his imperial majesty missed the last opportunity to hear the music for O Rosa bella by the famous Franco-Flemish composer Johannes Ciconia, played by the Tuscan "Fab Four" Troubadours in their farewell concert.

Santa segreta on behalf of Maximilian I

[Pixel]

Poor Pisa caught the plague. A strange band of comedians from the land of the Angles marches through the streets with a creaky cart shouting “Bring out your dead!” They are summarily questioned by the Pisa City Militia who suspects they are collecting the dead for necromantic experiments.

[awesum4]

Army Disappears without Trace

An entire Austrian army has disappeared without trace in Northern Italy.
Well-known Chicken Magnate Pietro Pulo said he was opening his latest Flame-grilled chicken store (27 varieties using 11 different authentic Italian herbs and spices) in the lovely town of Bressanone, Tyrolia when an Austrian marched through town. They were amazing customers buying up such vast quantities of our Northen Fried Chicken we had to burn down a local poultry farm just to keep up with demand said Pietro. After lunch they marched south towards Castelrotto. But when I travelled the same road the very next day there was no sign of them. I reported it to the Republican Authorities in Venice but they were totally disinterested....."Tell us when an Austrian army is marching towards us, not when one is not marching towards us" was their reply.


Plague in Perugia Punishes Papal Parsimony

Irate locals claim that the Plague which has struck the idyllic city of Perugia was due to the tightfisted attitude of our Heavenly Father. "The previous Pope knew how to live and spend locally" said Curvy Carolotta (the thinking man's whore), "he extracted tithes from all local church goers and sold papal indulgences and borrowed money with no intentions of repaying, but then he threw lavish orgies at his mansion just outside town, he bought huge amounts of local wines and foods, and hired hundreds of us girls and several catamites. This Pope does the tithes, indulgences and borrowing but he never comes here, so the money doesn't circulate.

In related news King Andrea Doria has said that the forces currently heading towards Tivoli to free that lovely city would also rush to Perugia to help with Plague relief work. The Wealthy Nobles of both regions desperately need Neapolitan help to stabilize their economies and rebuild their lives. No effort will be spared in our efforts to rebuild and recover. The fact that the Pope has been treacherous, lecherous and parsimonious in the past does not mean that we should not help the region in its time of troubles.

[GDod]

The Turin Times

Shock at lavoratore delle acque reflue by Amerigo Parlare di liquami
This correspondent is shocked at the wanton takeover of Turin streets by the Milano government sponsored peasant muck-rakers and sewage strike breakers at the invitation of a small number of Milano residents. Nothing short of state sponsored terrorism!
The non-arrival of the French union negotiators with the agreed settlement and additional manpower to help with the accumulation of waste after months of strike action continues to worry the city fathers.

Concern was raised some time ago when citizens in Turin reported the opening of a "quadrilatero della moda" and galleria Vittorio Emanuele in the city prior to the Milano takeover. At the same time, an influx of Italian "tourists" flaunting Prada fashion brands were seen behaving suspiciously around the city gates, drinking and cavorting late into the evenings. This despite repeated requests to abide by the city-wide curfew to enable the city peasant muck-rakers and sewage workers to clear the back-log [pun intended]!

Now the Milano muck-rakers and sewage workers are threatening not only the health of Turin citizens but their physical safety by running protection rackets and promising to fling the waste back into good citizens homes if they don't pay exorbitant sums.

The calamity continues...

[GDod]

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From the editorial: Magazine Rivista di gossip

Il fiorentino è un milanese deficiente by Santa Segreta

The poor Doge of Sienna fell for the oldest trick in the book! "But I didn't realize I'd "STEAL your province and town"
This editor asks; Shouldn't Piero Soderini and The Priors and the Gonfaloniere of Florence immediately compensate the peaceful council of Sienna not only the 3 ducats for town, province and sea but double this amount for the inability to use this income next turn, and extra for the humiliation and trauma this blatant "invasion" has caused?
Surely, Sienna can now see the real Machiavellian machinations of a power hungry Florentine tyranny. The rest of Italy laments Sienna's misplaced trust in this predatory state and offers you their support in the trying days ahead when I'm sure we'll hear the refrain "I didn't realize I was advancing into your last province!".

[Pixel]

We will find out who is behind this despicable editorial pamphlet and make a example of them.

The Priors and the Gonfaloniere of Florence proclaim a guarantee in favor of Sienna’s independence for the Summer of 1499.

[GDod]

The Turin Times Extra Extra...Priors and the Gonfaloniere of Florence upset at unfounded allegations

We will find out who is behind this despicable editorial pamphlet and make a example of them.

The Priors and the Gonfaloniere of Florence proclaim a guarantee in favor of Sienna’s independence for the Summer of 1499.

Shocked at unfounded revelations, the Priors and the Gonfaloniere of Florence continue to be uncertain as to who is behind this malicious gossip blockprint?
Some say Santa Segreta is getting his information from Il duca Falaguerra who is suspected of graffiti tweets appearing outside a restaurant called "Pettegolezzi e pollo alla grigliain" near the burnt out ruins of the Weekly Pisean Woodcut Pamphlet Office.

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The editor of the Turin Times was quoted earlier today as saying, "This flagrant dissemination of tweeting is endangering the integrity of the established press and false news is unduly concerning Italian cittadini everywhere!" Yet, when asked for comment, the il grande capo della fiamma internazionale alla griglia told this reporter while gesticulating wildly at a passing bambino horse and cart that, "Everyone has the right to express free speech and interpret events how they see them. Hey, watch where you're driving you son of a Pavian pavement beggar".

by Elfo Segreto di Babbo Natale

In other news, the latest portrait commissioned by His Holiness, Alexander VI by Leon Doh Vinci on display at the Cathedral di San Gennaro in Naples was found defaced earlier this week. As yet, no arrests have been made. Investigations are continuing.

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[awesum4]

Famine and Plague Relief Arriving

The Neapolitan Famine and Plague relief program for the Papal States has swung into full swing said King Andrea Doria at a special dinner to raise further funds for the blighted regions. Our 1st Army (the Indomitables) has moved into Spoleto bringing much needed supplies, but it appears the problems are also manifested in Rome and if necessary they will continue there to complete their mission.
Our third army (the Moors) has moved into Ancona, but has struck some minor problems due to interference from unruly sailors from the Papal navy. "These hooligans will be dealt with fairly and firmly and quickly" said the King, "we cannot allow this sort of behavior to distract us from our mission, the people of the Papal States need us.

Originally the presence of the Moors alarmed the local population due to their wearing of Eastern costume (hence their name) but once they realized they were good Italian boys from the hills of Sicily things calmed down. Curvy Carlotta said the third army was popular with the working girls "they look so colourful in their turbans and Fez, and being country boys they love buxom blonde wenches. Not like the sophisticated Papal armies who prefer slim, flat chested, boyish looking pleasurers. Their accents are hard to understand but they pay well with Turkish Dinars they have captured during their many victories over the infidels. If a soldier really likes a girl he will give her captured silks, which feel so good against one's delicate parts.


Tivoli Liberated

The Neapolitan Second army was given a raptuous reception as it marched into Tivoli last week. The Papal army which had been causing such problems with the livestock in the area had fled back to Rome as soon as the Second Army landed at the docks.
The grateful people have asked King Andrea Doria to become their overlord as they needed a strong but fair ruler in theses troubled times. King Andrea Doria has accepted the position but on the condition that should the heir of the former ruling family return then he would return Tivoli to him. The heir disapearred in misterious circumstances in the Spring. The Inquisition has been tasked with finding out what happened and who was responsible.

[GDod]

The Turin Times... Extra Extra...Turkish Sultan's Dhimmi make landfall to reclaim Papacy's illegitimate flame-grilled chicken outlets

Eye witness reports from chicken farmers on upper adriatic coast near Ancona continue to report swathes of the Sultan's Christian subjects and accompanying Janissaries who have already put to the sword not only local franchisees holders of Papacy sponsored Flame-grilled chicken outlets but a vast array of hastily armed thugs sent by Alexander VI to counter the The Neapolitan Famine and Plague relief program's efforts to ensure prices remain affordable for the common peasant. Sadly, the exorbitant prices charged by the Papacy owned franchises continue to be a symptom of this Borgia Pope's greed and inhuman treatment of already starving peasant families throughout the papacy lands.

This article was previously posted in the Anconian Afternoon Mail and reprinted here by the kind permission of Agricola Di Polli:
"When my grandmother made any meal that included chicken and vinegar, just the aroma from cooking it made me run upstairs in our house to see what was in the oven. When I make this simple dish I can’t help but see my grandmother in her faded floral apron bending over the open oven spooning the juices in the pan over the chicken. She always had a smile on her face when she put the spoon down. My grandfather would be sitting in the dining room reading his Sunday Turin Times and anticipating when my grandmother would call him in to eat. I was never far behind him. But alas, seated and salivating we yet again were faced with a simple Sicilian peasant home baked chicken beak and potato skin. To think, just last year we could pop down the road and purchase the most mouthwatering flame grilled chicken and salad from the local independent flame-grilled chicken outlet. That was until that Borgia Pope closed the competition down and made the delicacy unaffordable!"

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Reports are now coming in that not only do the Pope's prices put the staple diet out of reach of most peasants but recent evidence suggests that on papal instructions many outlets have substituted flame-grilled rodents for the chicken delicacy. This reporter for one hope's the valiant efforts of the Neapolitan Famine and Plague relief program will soon bring hope to all papal provinces despite the pope's plans to "make-off" with the profits and escape to a sun-drenched island retreat!

Santa Segreta

[Pixel]

Florentine heralds hear reports of a minor bridge collapse in Patrimony delaying travelers.