Italian Wars Campaign Wordplay

[awesum4]

Only a fool or a madman or someone on a serious mission from God would travel in Patrimony at this time of year.
Or maybe a flame-grilled chicken salesman.

[GDod]

The Turin Times Supplement [Fall]... reprinted here by the kind permission of Premier Flame-grilled Chicken head salesman for the Western Mediterranean coast Testa al Blocco

Saturday - I had risen quite early only to find my samples had been stolen overnight and my hooded guests from the previous night had mysteriously disappeared. The Neapolitan duo, in the afterglow of a hastily prepared rabbit dinner the previous night had commented on mysterious Roman envoys and other suspicious characters with Florentine accents hanging around together in the nearby woods. Thinking nothing of it, as Roman's always had a habit of lurking in bushes, they assumed the group had business with the Il duce of the local village of Passami un'altra ala But on reflection, their military bearing had gradually gnawed away at them until they felt obliged to follow them. After a short duration they came upon them secreted away behind yet more bushes overlooking what appeared to be a vast fleet of galleys anchored in a bay. The Neapolitan's' confirmed that they must indeed be Roman and Florentine, as the strange group seemed to have difficulty counting past the number of their combined fingers and toes.
Sunday - After another hastily prepared breakfast of pecan nuts and berries, I traveled along the strada verso il nulla Stopping some distance along the road it suddenly occurred to me that the events of yesterday were retold by a Neapolitan couple who looked suspiciously like sailors. I am now unsure of who was spying on who!
Monday - After yet another hastily thrown together breakfast of seagull eggs on bark-wood toast I set out again on my quest to recruit Flame-grilled chicken franchise holders from the local villages and towns along the Patrimony coast. Who should I encounter but the very same Neopolitian duo lurking behind bushes and observing the very same group from their recount arguing over the number of ships anchored offshore in yet another cove. Remaining hidden I observed the group pull swords and set about carving each other up!
Tuesday - note to myself... I suddenly realized, clearly too late, that the Neapolitan duo had chicken grease stains on their tunics... damn spies!

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[TheGrayMouser]

To the 4 Jackals: As you can see Milan will not go down without a fight. The question is, who will benefit when we finally succumb. It appears your all playing to schemes of a certain snake charmer whom is now poised to benefit the most without doing any real work. And no, I don't mean Genoa, a later comer with no ambition but to take his scraps left by his betters ( )

I am done wasting parchment trying to initiate negotiations and or deals in the Machiavellian fashion as all I get in return are slack jawed responses, or plain out deceits . So, you' can chissel away and leave the prize to someone most likely to be someone other than you.

Dictated from the deep within the MouseBunker.

[GDod]

The Turin Times... Spring Fashion supplement

Latest trends show Venetian, French, Turkish, Florentine and Neapolitan styles are in vogue. Our fashion consultant in Italy also reminds us that Machiavellian fashions are all the rage. While this is marked by voluminous clothing worn in an abundance of layers, the real value depends on how the garment is worn in the first instance, and how the quality of the fabric ensures it lasts for many years without major wardrobe malfunctions.
by Santa Segreta

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[Pixel]

Well it looks like they all want a bit of Pisean Pizza. I hear that a famous chef from there once made a large stack of pies so high it got a tilt to it. Sort of like a miniature version of the campanile there.



Personally I prefer pizza of the Neapolitan variety.

[GDod]

Well it looks like they all want a bit of Pisean Pizza. I hear that a famous chef from there once made a large stack of pies so high it got a tilt to it. Sort of like a miniature version of the campanile there.

Clearly, you have upset the Flame-grilled Chicken Franchisee holders...no wonder they're all having a piece of Pisa. You should know better than to upset a multi-national! May I suggest you offer them sole rights to flamed-grilled chicken pizza.

[GDod]

The Turin Times... Special supplement ...Florentine Victory in Defense of Perugia: an Eyewitness Account

... Official sources quote the Florentine Line:- The Neapolitan army in Perugia has been forced back by the Florentine defenders! The remanants of the Neapolitian army fled the field of battle taking what was left of their baggage train with them.as observed by a party of riders in the service of Maximilian I of Austria who managed to watch the action from a nearby hill

"Here's the real account from the best seat in the house!" related Maximilian to this reporter.

"My loyal minions had set up our table with a selection of cold cuts, most notably Austrian Schinkenwurst and debreceni kolbász, along with copious quantities of the best Zweigelt and Blaufränkischof reds, which accompanied our good Hungarian goulash, when low and behold a cannon ball took off poor ole Jürgen Wagenknecht's head!" Max said with a nervous twitch. "Luckily Jürgen had just finished pouring," he added rather quickly, "otherwise a good red would have been completely wasted!"
"Anyway, what followed was a complete ground covered haze.We could hardly make out the entrée's and the delicious strudel and other desserts such as 'cakes said to cause injury' and 'Sort of girl sailor has time for?' (for those of you who like cryptic crosswords). MY! what an uproar. Moreover, my poor oriental man-servant Filet Miyon came back blackened and overdone after I'd sent him to investigate."
Trying desperately to refocus the poor old highness's mind back to the progress on the field, all I got was mumbled responses that I assumed were references to 'the food was adequate for a battle but not exceptionally finger licking good' and 'why wasn't there any flame-grilled chicken at table!'
My interview degraded even further into inane mutterings of, "damn Florentines, always with biscuits, never the chicken...no outlets for miles!" until this reporter sadly had to concede that the true state of the battle was lost in a consommé haze... and rather dejected eyewitness references to flame-grilled chicken and the blatant nepotism within the royal court, particularly when a 6 year old courtier's nephew is hired as a sketch artist!.

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[Pixel]

Your artist is quite talented. However the impression of the battle is how might I say it: slightly incomplete.

[GDod]

Your artist is quite talented. However the impression of the battle is how might I say it slightly incomplete.

From the Office of the Turin Times, Turin:- Posted verbatim according to the latest E-MULE from Maximilian's court

Duly noted Pixel ...we've decapitated the courtier and put his son to work in the kitchens. I'm assured our new official court cartographer and military pictorial historian is the finest in Europe, and beyond... goes by the name of A Stikman [what seers call] a distant fore-bearer of a future J S Lowry. I haven't seen his work but they say he has a particular talent with drawing "matchlock men"! We'll be publishing his work in the Turin Times on our banquet proceedings [sorry... that should read Maximilian's official interpretation of the next viewed BATTLE proceedings - ed]


Santa Segreta

[awesum4]

The forces of the Republic of Florence in its vain attempt to impose Anarchy and Democracy on the whole of civilized central Italy have massed a huge army in the area of Arezzo. Knowing that the Republicans forces are ill disciplined, under fed, and poorly paid and so will be forced to withdraw if they are unable to conquer quickly the Neapolitan commander has secured a prime defensive position in wooded land on the outskirts of the city. Our forces enjoy good discipline, hearty meals of flamegrilled chicken, and are well paid in looted Turkish Dinars (real gold, bite them for yourself). So we await the onslaught of the massed hordes of deluded peasants with calm confidence.

The Battle to retain the Patrimony is a more traditional affray with fairly even forces facing each other in the serene countryside dotted with small copses and the occassional stand of trees. Again we feel confident in our troops and in our cause.

Andrea Doria,

King of Naples, Sicily and soon Sienna

[GDod]

From the Office of the Turin Times, Turin:- Posted verbatim according to the latest intercepted E-MULE from Maximilian's court

The Emperor sends salutations and good wishes to the King of Naples, Sicily and Sienna and the Doge of Venice in their righteous cause against the purveyors of over-priced grained based polenta to the hardworking peasants of the peninsular.
Rest assured the chicken renaissance enlightenment will spread flame-grilled chicken outlets in the wake of the valiant defenders of the right to buy reasonably priced flame-grilled Chicken for simple peasant dishes such as Chicken Alfredo, Chicken Cacciatore, Chicken Marsala, Chicken Parmesan, Chicken Piccata, Pesto Chicken.
My courier has been charged with supplying the King of Naples his newly commissioned portrait by Misero Pittore di Galline to triumphantly display in the Siennese capital on his speedy victory.

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Santa Segreta

[GDod]

Turin times

Classified Ads

BARGAIN...TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!
Extra, extra...Austrian armies for hire: a mere 16 ducats will buy the undying loyalty of Austrian armies for their sole use over a term of 2 years. Additionally, excess cash will be repaid yearly from the Austrian coffers back into your treasury.
Yes... we're mercenaries for hire, at a bargain basement price. See the Emperor, text him by courier pm, or contact him through this paper.
Payment is payable by the end of this summer turn through the international moneylender firm of Ira Ripov - The Russian branch of the Zealot złoty exchange bankers co-operative: liquidators for the Austrian Empire and intermediaries for the Office of the Italian campaign Umpire. Long live Maximilian [who now may have to change his name to Maxilacamilian]

[TheGrayMouser]

Greeting tyrants of Spain, The Porte, the Viper of Austria etc etc. The Duke of Milan is in a most unfortunate position. On the one hand he wishes to stay in the Great Game yet not a single carrier pigeon has arrived nor been responded to since day one of this unfortunate war. Surely your private club of machinations has room for more, be it deceits, plans, schemes? Surely things have changed since day one? The pickle we are in is that the troops have finally realized that there is no point to fighting battle after battle with the Venutian zombie armies that rise from the dead again and again. The troops, bless there simple harts, realise all they are doing is buying time to save Italy from Venetian aggression. The Venutian leaders ears are just as deaf as yours to any intruigue, and Machiavelli would roll over in his urn with this simplistic strategy of sticking to some plan made years ago.
So, please give my troops some CONCRETE reason to fight on as hard as they have in the battles sure to come, not words but actions, monies whatever, perhaps nuclear bomb on Venice.


Signed, the last Duke of Milan ( we already have a time share ready in the Americas near the ex king of France and Doge of Sienna)

[awesum4]

Greetings to the distinguished Duke of Milan,

The reason for our lack of diplomatic overtures to yourself and your regime is our dread of meeting your army on the field of battle. We have encountered yourself in combat in the past with lack of success and have witnessed your brilliance during this campaign. Therefore we have been very content for Venice and yourself to nullify each other as we gain territory steadily. Surely that is truly in the spirit of the Prince.

We feel that this campaign is almost finished and we look forward to the next with some changes to make financial skullduggery less important and success on the battlefield more decisive. Then you will shine like a true star.

Andrea Doria,

King of Naples, Sicily, Sienna and Florence.

[GDod]

To the Duke of Milan:

From: His Imperial Austrian Majesty's Publicist and sole Fried Chicken Franchisee holder for his Italian domains - the Infanta Isabella Clara Eugenia of Spain

Please read "BARGAIN...TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!" for inspiration.

Your envoy in waiting
P.S You're invited to my birthday party in the Netherlands [We're having jelly and some new fangled treat called ice-cream]