Final updates include the disappearance of Aryaman to the non-digital world and the result of the "Battle for Norway", in which the Bard obliges the winner with a verse of "I did it NORWAY..."
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An Ode to the Defense of Norway
Peasants, I had a few
But then again knights, too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption
I planned the charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it... Norway
EUROPE IN TURMOIL - FINAL UPDATE Turn 1 Showing the demise of France, the defeat of the Great Dane, and capture of Italy.
The attachment Europe Map.jpg is no longer available
The European, North African and Near Eastern Gazette November TURN 1 HISTORY
Claims to unowned territories and homeland challenges have all been received at this office. All 11 Kingdoms have submitted papers in triplicate to this newsroom filing outrageous unjustified claims to independent lands. Local landowners throughout Europe, the Near East and Africa report widespread panic. Alfonso de Alac'a'Name when interviewed in his home village of Wareizit in Slovakia stated
Som strach, pretože moje vznášadlo je plné úhorov, which roughly translates to "I'm scared because now my hoover thing is full of eels!"
Breaking news is in red font:-
CONCERNING THE DISAPPEARANCE OF THE SUN KING
In a recent transcript of an interview with a French peasant woman named Chloe Je suis parti et personne ne sait où je suis allé one reporter from the European, North Africa and Near East Gazette reveals disturbing news. What follows is a timely warning of potential peasant uprisings for all would be emperors. This French peasant woman states, " We don't have a king. We're now an autonomous collective." To which a bystander revealed that she was fooling herself stating, " we're now living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes-- Suddenly, the woman interrupted with, "Oh there you go, bringing class into it again!"
When asked who the King is now the woman replied, "we don't have a lord. I told you. We're an anarchosyndicalist commune. We now take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week."
Call to Arms in the British Isles
The King of Scotland issued a challenge to the King of England to advance his claim to the English throne. This claim was resoundingly rejected.
The King of England accepted the challenge marching his hastily assembled entourage to the border. The continent no longer has to wait in anticipation. A report by the servant, Walsingham to the Moste glorious Majesty states "Be it knowne that the Scots raiders, in their greate thousands, hath been defeated by yr Most Loyalle and humble servantes, the folkes of Berwick under mye mervoulse Command. We hath sent 100000 viperous Scots and their pawre horse to the fires of Hell." Hence, the Scottish invasion was beaten back to the glens whence they came! In reply,
the King of England issued a challenge to the King of Scotland and marched his victorious forces north. However, the Ruler of Scotland McAwesum of the Glen Campbell's has just announced what he calls "...the successful conclusion of Joint Military exercises with units from the army of our brother King Alan the Righteous of England."
In reality the Scottish Spears with support from gallant highlanders managed to defeat the English invasion. At the conclusion of these "exercises", the Scottish report the two rulers met to sign a Treaty of Eternal Friendship and Mutual Support. This reporter wonders whether the English Monarch had any choice but to sign! Hence, Scotland remains a sovereign nation.
Simultaneously,
DillyO'Dilly King of Ireland challenged the King of Poland in a fit of Irish rage at his usurpation of the Polish throne, which in his mind belongs to his second brothers third uncle of their neighbour's Aunty Caoimhe in the village in County Wexford. O'Dilly claimed this morning,
"...that jumped up Polak swineherd has no right to annex, confiscate, grab, impound, repossess, sequest, defalcate, embezzle, misapply, misappropriate, misuse, peculate, or thieve my friend's Aunty's birthright. Clearly, having swallowed a dictionary for breakfast this reporter later observed O'Dilly gathering in the gallowglas and kern, 'bonnachts' and the newly settled Scots, referring to them as those bar-legged mountain men - those 'Redshank' heathen for a farewell banquet of 108 different potato dishes and brimming vats of blinding Poitín.
KiwiWarlordski, King of Poland, accepted the challenge It was reported that Europe was subsequently stunned by the inability of the Irish to stand in the field of battle without falling over drunk despite being capable of finding Poland after their drinking binge. However, this news was premature as
though Poland continues to remain firmly Slavic the Irish are now their drunken overlords. Subsequently, not content with being soundly defeated by the Irish
Poland declared war on the O'Dilly Irish homeland and an invasion force of Poles from the muster of 1618 - 1632 began the long march to the land of potatoes & fellow Catholic Brothers. Europe waited in astonished disbelief when on the verge of acceptance by O'Dilly, the challenge was withdrawn due to an urgent recall of troops to aid in the search of another homeland for the now dispossessed poles.
In other news,
the Sultan of Morocco challenged O'Dilly Dilly a' diddley diddley due to being between a rock and a hard potato and having a bad case of Spanish flu back in Morocco. Finding the Irish indeed couldn't remember how firearms or pike work, he engaged what he thought was O'Dilly's Irish army. However, as it turned out it was a irate English tenant who had assembled men from his English possessions and willing Irish mercenaries.
An astonished Sultan faced O'Dilly's Irish army. Tired but not daunted from the defeat of his Anglo-Irish, and buoyed by his hastily raised army of Irish pikemen including swarms of Gallowglas and Redshank mercenaries from Scotland, O'Dilly retook Ireland. The Sultan when interviewed in his palace far from the conflict was not only heard to mutter that the Scots were to blame but that he would deal fire and wrath to these infidel for aiding the Irish. He claimed colonization by potato was the thin end of the wedge, and the end for fine Portuguese cuisine! At the same time, according to intercepted reports from General O'Malley of Dublin's Saracen's Head, Fine Ales and Dining fame, Dilly O'Dillys brave and fierce Irish warriors are now ripping it up and partying in Albufeira. However, a reported serious shortage of sunscreen means the Irishmen may have to move north. Alice Bonnehifaicho of Numérot 12 rue Oh je suis si effrayé from the South of France reports that she is on high alert and will be hiding her sunscreen in future. Meanwhile, her cousins in England and Scotland have sent urgent letters to the Pope to ascertain the meaning of both sun, and sunscreen!
.
Call to Arms in Eastern Europe and Asia
The Tzardom of Russia under Mouse-e-Tungovich declared Uzbek Hetmanate part of the Tzarist Kingdom to monopolise the Sardine supply from the Kaspian. Unfortunately the
The King of Sweden, now known widely in Russia as the "The Lion Cub of the North" has lost his claim to this valuable piece of real estate for their lutfisk production after being defeated battle despite forgetting to bring home armies with them. As such both sides were forced to purchase the services of some used mercenary companies lurking in the region by blind bidding at the bazaar. Russia got the better, a wall of Portuguese muskets versus a brave yet outdated army of Hussars and Panzerkampwagonschutzenpferden.
Uzbek and the sardine trade is now firmly in the Russia sphere of influence.
After the Poles under KiwiLordski successfully challenged the Grand Sultan bin Greeting44 for Turkey, Poland then declared war on Russia and an invasion force of Poles from the muster of 1618 - 1632 began the short journey to the land of sunflowers. Shocked by Polish greed, the Russian response was stunned silence. Europe waited in disbelief at the hasty mustering between Kiev and the Dneiper after their belated reply and the Irish skulduggery that sabotaged the Polish effort. The Polish Warlord considered mustering his forces from newly acquired territories outside the original Polish homeland but decided to march home. Meanwhile, the Sultan of Morocco had his eye on a nice piece of Polish horse flesh and challenged KiwiLordski for Poland, unaware that their homeland was overrun by the Irish. A disgruntled Sultan marching back to Morocco wondered whether his homeland would be their on his arrival back. Furthermore, Denmark has finally entered the fray by challenging Sweden for the territory of Norway.
The Great Dane marched forth but unfortunately the Swedish peasants had other ideas, defeating the Danish soundly. Norway remains an autonomous collective owing service to the Swedish King., now known throughout Europe as the 'Home of the Oxymoron.'
Call to Arms in Western Europe and West Africa
Spain extended the Reconquista with the invasion of Morocco and claimed Portugal to be territories of the Spanish crown. His Serene Highness
the Sultan of Morocco G bin Dodaziz accepted both challenges refuting these outrageous claims. The battle for Portugal saw mercenary Cornish-men under the now able commander the Earl of Monmouth defeat the Spanish Saxon mercenaries to gain Portugal for the sultan. Although,
Portugal is now part of the sultan's stable Fortunately the Sultan of Morocco also held on to his homeland, which was under threat from the Mad King's invasion force.
Both
the Sun King of France Aryaman Bourbon and Mad King William Felipe I of Spain claimed by right the Kingdom of Italy. The Bourbon king based his claim on a future assertion to the right to remarry Marie de' Medici in the event of his current wife's death, even though Felipe is currently married to the very same women.
Europe no longer needs to wait in nervous anticipation of a result since the French army has withdrawn due to the Sun King's recent disappearance. Consequently, the Sun King is no more and the Kingdom is under an autonomous peasant collective. Furthermore, not only do conspiracy theorists in a french village near Versailles observe strange 'goings on' by large numbers of Irish 'tourists' [reportedly in search of sunscreen] may behind the Sun King's disappearance but they also report recent "For Rent" signs at the Palace of Versailles.
Meanwhile,
the Grand Sultan of the Ottoman Empire clearly concerned for their Moroccan brother's poor performance against the infidel's Spanish invasion challenged Mad King Felipe I for
the Spanish mainland, which is now once more under a Muslim ruler. All of Europe is shaking their heads in wonder at the success of the suntanned Sultan's audacious move.
Moreover, not only has
both the Sultan of Morocco and the "The Lion of the North" laid claim to Austria but
the Swedish King has also challenged the Sun King after tasting a rather fine bottle of Bordeaux and coveting the region. Monmouth's failure to arrive in Austria as a fully paid mercenary company required the disgruntled Sultan to employ Portuguese mercenaries from his new territory to pursue his claim against the "The Lion of the North" and his mercenary army of hairy Scotsmen. Unfortunately, for the Sultan the Portuguese mercenaries hightailed it back to Portugal with a bad taste of kilt shock. Hence, the Swedish King now has a new territory for his imperial court and nobles to prance around in their finery. Meanwhile, it's unsure whether the Sun King has risked the loss of his fine wine producing region. Europe waits.
Moreover, buoyed by his recent successes DillyO'Dilly King of Ireland also sent an invasion force to the Sultan of Morocco's newly gained territory of Portugal and succeeded in securing it for the new season's potato harvest. Portuguese nobles and peasants alike have been seen wailing in the streets of Lisbon for days now, mourning the devastation wrought by the Irish soldiery upon the city's wheat-fields, vineyards and fragrant citrus orchards.
Call to Arms in Central Europe
The Irishman
Dilly O'Dilly and the Scotsman McAwsum of Glen Campbell challenged for Germany having an insatiable liking for bratwurst and München lager. Since both claim these delicious staples they continue to 'fight for the right'. Europe's wait to see which Gaelic expedition will win has ended.The lovely people of Germany, good honest hard-working people, salt of the earth people, have decided to join with the wonderful Scottish people led by the awesome McAwesum of Glen Campbell. This follows a misguided attempt by the Irish led by Dilly O'Dilly to suborn the Germans to join his hegemonic evil empire. A force of Polish mercenaries in the employ of McAwesum smashed their way quickly through the Ottoman mercenaries employed by O'Dilly. The small force of jannisaries and larger force of Sipahis were simply outclassed in hand to hand melee by Pike and Shot units and massed charges from winged hussars and melee pistol cavalry. A one-sided and unfair fight where the odds were firmly in the Poles favour.
[that's sunburn!]
