The great "Fix the dialogue" thread
Posted: Sat Nov 15, 2014 11:49 pm
Act 1 - Invasion
"It is a relief to be assigned as your, communications adjunct" <-- remove that comma
", Commander, my faith has been tested of late with the death of my family in the initial Ork air strike even as they celebrated the day of the Emperor's Ascension, so I need some... stability..." <-- this is what we call a 'run-on' sentence and is common throughout the game. You need to break these long sentences into smaller ones that contain fewer clauses.
A better way of writing this dialogue might be:
"Commander, I am relieved to have been assigned to you as your communications adjunct. Since the death of my family in the initial Ork air strike I have been in need of...stability... Our mission is to return to Hive Death Mire and investigate the deserted perimeter outposts. We must discover what the Greenskins are up to."
"It is a relief to be assigned as your, communications adjunct" <-- remove that comma
", Commander, my faith has been tested of late with the death of my family in the initial Ork air strike even as they celebrated the day of the Emperor's Ascension, so I need some... stability..." <-- this is what we call a 'run-on' sentence and is common throughout the game. You need to break these long sentences into smaller ones that contain fewer clauses.
A better way of writing this dialogue might be:
"Commander, I am relieved to have been assigned to you as your communications adjunct. Since the death of my family in the initial Ork air strike I have been in need of...stability... Our mission is to return to Hive Death Mire and investigate the deserted perimeter outposts. We must discover what the Greenskins are up to."